In the beginning was the First Roommate, and the Housing Gods looked upon her and they saw that she was good and they were not a little pleased with themselves for their cleverness.
Things of interest about the First Roommate.
1) She was French.
2) She was studying World History.
3) She was the weirdest person I have ever met. Weird how? I hear you ask. Well, there was the great Incendiary Brussels Sprout Incident of 2013. And there were the sparkly blue tights. She used to come home with things – vegetables, items of clothing, stray social recluses – and enthusiastically parade them around the apartment monologuing about how interesting they were. This made everyone very uncomfortable.
4) She once severely triggered my emetophobia (fear of people vomiting) by barfing her hangover all over the bathroom, with the door wide open, before I had brushed my teeth. This put a considerable dampener on my day as I had to flee the apartment in such haste I forgot half my stuff. I was afraid to go back until well into the afternoon.
5) She moved 45 minutes away from college to Brooklyn, so she could be “where all the cool, kooky people are.” I am very sure she felt at home among the kooky people and I wish her well there.
Here endeth the tale of the First Roommate. And the housing god’s looked down at the empty room in the apartment and they decided to fill it. And so was wrought the Second Roommate.
Things of interest about the Second Roommate.
1) She was Spanish. From the Canary Islands to be exact, although she has lived in Barcelona for a while.
2) She was 32.
3) She lived on a strange diet of juice cleanses, and swiss cheese on gluten free bread with apricot jam.
4) She gave herself enemas, which was something I could have gone my whole life and probably my afterlife as well without ever having needed to know. Three cheers for sharing a bathroom with a health nut.
5) She did not like American men, and generally only had bad luck with them, as evidenced by a strange encounter with a guy who said he felt “gay” when she caressed his hair and wouldn’t let her carry his jacket, when he had is arms full, for fear of subjugating her. She gave up dating Americans after that.
6) She moved back to Spain in the spring.
Here endeth the tale of the Second Roommate. There followed after a blissful period of rommate-free living characterized by mid-day showers, unabashed frequency of unhealthy take-out food, and loud Bob Marley music. But the Housing Gods were not happy with such hedonism, and punished me soundly with the Third Roommate.
Things of interest about the Third Roommate.
1) Her parents came to inspect the apartment before she moved in. They took a photo of me to show her. I know right then that the Third Roommate would be bad news.
2) She owns every single item of home furnishing it is possible to own. She brought her own double bed with her, as well as a mirror with lights around it. She must have been Marilyn Monroe in a previous life. Either that or Elvis.
3) Her prodigious shedding of hair clogged our shower within a week of moving in and caused the plumbing so much misery that it decided to spew water up through the shower drain whenever the tap in the sink was running. It took three plumbers an entire day to fix, and I had to go round the corner to starbucks to pee. She never apologized or even mentioned it.
4) Her mother buys her groceries. Every sunday her mother comes round with a cool-box on wheels and packs the fridge with lettuce, cold brew coffee, Canadian bacon, iced tea and chipotle mayo. Every. Sunday. I do not like the Third Roommate’s mother: she leaves me no space in the fridge.
5) The Third Roommate doesn’t actually eat these groceries. She orders take-out. The only things she cooks are pancakes.
6) She left me a passive-aggressive post-it note about making room for her in the cupboards. She is lucky I didn’t simply burn the cupboards down. I do not like passive-aggressive post-it notes.
7) She bought a rack for shoes by the door and keeps all her shoes in it so as not to get mud on the floors. She has a lot of shoes.
8) She has a lot of boyfriends too. As of this morning I have identified at least two boys that stay the night. One of them microwaves foul-smelling dumplings whenever Third Roommate isn’t here to feed him. I do not like this boyfriend. I don’t know much about the other boyfriend. All we have ever exchanged is a wave. I prefer Other Boyfriend.
9) She told me off about not leaving the kitchen clean enough.
10) I may or may not have borrowed some of her grape jelly for PB& J once… alright, twice… as retaliation for Annoyances rendered. It seems I have not completely finished growing up and I take no small amount of pleasure in being a bad roommate, as payback. >_<
11) She replaced my shower curtain without asking… and has a “memory foam bath mat.” Who has ever needed memory foam under their feet? Ever?
12) She is from New Jersey, which means she isn’t going to move out any time soon and I am stuck with her until I move out. The horror. The horror.
13) She is a 24 year old woman that packs her lunchbox (yup, she has a lunchbox, complete with matching plastic collapsible cutlery in fact) with animal crackers as a treat.
14) She leaves the lights on in the kitchen and the hallway ALL NIGHT. Whenever I turn them off, they are always mysteriously back on when I get up in the morning.
15) She showers twice a day. Which is just unnecessary.
16) I genuinely believe she is a minion of Satan sent to test my patience.
17) She is defeating my patience.
Bye for now, I’m going to go listen to calming music and light a lavender candle before my head explodes and ruins the clean kitchen.