Things I Have Learned At Grad School That Have Absolutely Nothing Whatever To Do With Grad School.


I am very much supposed to be studying right now, but the first few lines of the page I’m looking at run as follows:
“colored pictures/ of all things to eat: dirty/ postcards/ And words words words/ All over everything/ No eyes or ears left/ to do their own doings….” Thanks for that Charles Olson, you’re the man alright.
So you tell me, would you rather wade through 165 pages of that, or have a little blog instead? 😉

Ok, things I have learned at grad school that have nothing whatever to do with grad school.

1) The cleaning lady that your roommate hires will never show up on the day she’s supposed to show up, nor at the time she’s supposed to show up, nor will your roommate be home to deal with her, nor will she ever (no really, never ever) put a new garbage bag in the bin after she takes the trash out.
1.a) I’m not being ungrateful, I promise, I have to pay half the cleaning lady’s wage. No spoilt brats looking gift horses in their mouths here. Scout’s honor.
1.b) The span of my stretched arm… is still shorter than the depth of the bin, making it pretty darn impossible for me to retrieve the used teabag I have invariably thrown in it before noticing it lacked a bag.

2) In the event of a zombie apocalypse DO NOT GO IN THE BUNKER. If the bunker is already occupied the people in it will have gone seven kinds of crazy and will trap you in there with them before carrying out what they take to be a mercy mass murder so you can all die together and no longer have to suffer fear of zombies. If the bunker is unoccupied, it will be you that goes seven kinds of crazy if you go in it and hunker down. DO NOT GO IN THE BUNKER.
2.a) In the event of a zombie apocalypse, the hero or heroin of the hour will always be complaining of some kind of melancholy or another. I believe this to be the physical ill-effects of camping out on the moral high ground. The air is thin up there.
2.b) I watch too much Netflix.

3) All take-out delivery people are inveterately awkward, and will stand there for a weird moment after you’ve taken the food and tipped them. This will make you think there’s something you’ve forgotten or something else you need to do, or a receipt you have to sign, so you won’t go back into your apartment or close the door, you just stand there, awkwardly, expectantly… they will then nod and say something like “alright, yeah… thank you” before wandering vaguely away. Options for causes of this phenomenon include, but are not limited to, excessive drug use among delivery people, or excessive loneliness among delivery people.

4) Starbucks black coffee, while not amazing (and not even close to the “Buffalo Soldier” Bob Marley coffee my Mum sends me – thanks mum!) is not that bad. It is, for example, miles better than library coffee. This might be because library coffee is brewed with the tears of despairing failing-grade undergraduates.
4.a) The Bob Marley coffee got me back into Bob Marley music. Reggae is very soothing, especially when pumped out of speakers very loud while my roommate is out and I can dance around the kitchen while cooking.
4.b) The sudden return of my roommate has, on more than one occasion, caused me to scamper back to my room to turn Bob off. Reggae is not to be shared with my roommate, who listens to some electro-dance dirge masquerading as music.
4.c) My roommate has painful taste in music.

5) Even though I know Michael Myers is a fictional character, and that I live on the 12th floor, and that the building has 24-hr doormen, and that both the front door and the bathroom door are locked… I will still periodically check for murderers if I hear a noise while I’m in the shower and home alone.
5.a) There are never any murderers in the bathroom when I’m in the shower and home alone.
5.b) I watch too much Netflix.

6) England should absolutely jump on the flavored-cream-cheese bandwagon. Chipotle cream cheese is the bomb. We will not talk about pineapple cream cheese, someone probably got fired for pineapple cream cheese.
6.a) Nussbaum & Wu do the best toasted “everything” bagel with cream cheese on the upper west side. (An “everything” bagel, by-the-by, has poppy seeds, sesame seeds, little flecks of roasted onion and big flakes of sea salt baked into the outside of it. They are AMAZING, especially if you don’t care about onion breath.)
6.b) I have, heretofore, apparently underestimated my appreciation of cream cheese.
6.c) People who order and egg-white bagel with bacon…are dietary delusionists.

7) England should absolutely ignore the flavoured-oreo bandwagon… No sane people think Watermelon Oreos sound like a good call.

8) Sriracha makes all savory foods taste better.

9) I talk about food a lot.

Bye for now, I’m going to go buy a bagel. 😉

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